Addiction: A Bonding Problem

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By: Ailsa Johnson

My husband and I were driving my daughter to a volleyball tournament in DC and I happened to glance out the window and noticed a liquor store. It was early morning and there was a car parked in front of the store. My very first and most primitive reaction was disgust. “What low life needs to be at a liquor store this early???” My next thought was somewhat more charitable, but still contemptuous, “oh, an alcoholic would need to be at a liquor store this early”. Then my counselor-self kicked in and I felt a profound sadness for a person who would need alcohol that badly. But the whole incident surprised and intrigued me: why was my first response disgust?

I have had close contact with many kinds of addiction, both in my practice and in my family. I know (and love) addicts of many kinds; drug addicts, alcoholics, people addicted to porn, food or shopping. Yet my first reaction was disgust. It bothered me.

As I struggled to understand my internal world, I realized that despite all my training and personal contact, internally I still blame the addict for his addiction. It seems to be my “natural” response. I began to dig into this response, and realized that I have grown up into and have been “indoctrinated” by a culture that believes addicts are somehow “less than.”

Why do we see addicts as “less than”?

It seems our entire philosophy on addiction is based on the idea that addicts need to be “rescued from themselves” and if they can’t be, they are somehow to be blamed. Even the medical model of addiction doesn’t help to elevate addicts to the status of regular people. The medical model depicts addicts as “sick” people who have an unfortunate weakness in their brain chemistry. Either way, addicts are less than.

On the one hand, I get it. Dealing with addicts can be frustrating and very painful. “We” (non-addicts) are on the outside and are powerless to stop what can be a fatal slide. It is incredibly terrifying to watch someone you love falling into the grips of an addiction. I find that it can dull my pain if I can see the person as either sick or weak because then it gives me an iota of control. If I can “make them strong,” “get them to treatment,” or “cure” them, my pain and fear will be alleviated and the addict will be helped.

Believing addicts are “less than” also keeps the specter of addiction away from my own doorstep. If I believe there is something fundamentally wrong (emotionally, chemically, genetically or otherwise), with an addict, that makes them different from me, then I am more assured it won’t happen to me.  It’s a belief that causes distance and judgment.  Control, protection, and the freedom to judge; isn’t that some of what we all want?

If I believe there is something fundamentally wrong (emotionally, chemically, genetically or otherwise), with an addict, that makes them different from me, then I am more assured it won’t happen to me.  It’s a belief that causes distance and judgment. 

Addiction as a Bonding Problem

The problem with my internal attitude is that it leads me to see an addict in a different way than non-addicts. I recently saw a TED talk by Johann Hari that has begun to change the way that I see addiction. It is appropriately called, “Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong”. In it, he relabels addiction as a bonding problem. He asserts that most addicts are people that have chosen to attach to a dangerous or inappropriate object. He contends that the opposite of addiction is connection.

For me, as a Christian, his assertion makes total sense. God created us to want intimacy with Him and other people. When we do not have that, we have an internal drive to create it and may choose to bond with the wrong object like food, sex or drugs. When an addict bonds with an inappropriate or harmful object, there is no room for anyone or anything else and THAT is the biggest danger of addiction. It also explains the pain of loved ones around the addict who are shut out. The “bridge” to them, the bond with them is temporarily closed.

People who have a “bonding problem” need to be treated with respect for their dignity; their capacity to choose (many can choose to stop with the right support). And they need to be invited to both purpose and real community; better connections.

People who have a “bonding problem” need to be treated with respect for their dignity; their capacity to choose (many can choose to stop with the right support). And they need to be invited to both purpose and real community; better connections. Our culture, (despite our best efforts) seems to do just the opposite — we blame, shame and isolate them. We eliminate the bridges that would help. It is counter-intuitive and can help explain the ever-increasing addiction rate.

In the next blog, we’ll look at how we open the bridge between ourselves and an addict, at least on our side of the connection.


Ailsa Johnson

Ailsa Johnson is a seasoned lay counselor from Calvert County (Southern), Maryland where she lives with her husband, Mark, their 4 children, a dog, 2 cats, her 2 sisters-in-law and her mother-in-law.  They attend Life Church in Calvert and she counsels primarily at the MACC Church in Gambrils, MD. She enjoys reading, photography (except pictures of herself!), walking/hiking, a good bottle of wine and spending time with her family.

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